if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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