I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
