remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
