i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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