i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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