Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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