I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
