I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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