what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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