you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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