gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
