every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
