I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
