Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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