I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize