please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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