In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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