your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize