Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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