honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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