His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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