there's paper in my vomit.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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