apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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