i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
