Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
