They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
