I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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