Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize