My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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