Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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