i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
