did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
