I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
