Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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