why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
