there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize