I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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