he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
