Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
