I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
