Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
