I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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