Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
