It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
