sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
