The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well I just put wine in my tea
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
