Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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