her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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