The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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