We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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