I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize