But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
farters have to be the big spoon...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
