captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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