my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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