I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
