happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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