Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
