I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
