with your own penis?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
